My dilemma...

Usually my blogs involve a discussion of some impersonal manipulation of words to get some impersonal point across to whomever cares to listen.  To those of you who like that, be ye not dismayed.  That will not stop coming.  However, this particular blog is different.

This goes out to my peeps.

I'm SO torn.  SOOO torn.  I am trying to figure out what to do with my life, etc.  It seems to me like there are two specific paths that are pulling me--perhaps not specifically in different directions--but to pursue one means putting the other on hold for a significant period of time.

My trajectory prior to a few weeks ago was to try to be a producer/engineer in music.  I love working on good music.  I love collaborating with the vision of an artist and preparing their music for a medium that can be widely distributed and cherished in people's homes and cars to comfort them or make them think.  I don't at all enjoy working on mindless, artless music that serves as nothing more than a placeholder for people who feel a right to be involved in music without a demonstration of merit.  In my particular occupation currently, I often find myself working with the latter.  This is the nature of church music, I suppose.

However, the events of the recent weeks (if you're unaware of them, be assured that you don't have the time for me to tell you about them) have caused me to consider a different course.  It has caused me to wonder if seminary is not a better place for this punk kid to end up.  I have a lot of ideas about God and life and the church that I have developed through a wide variety of reading and experience.  In these recent events, however, my ideas were often discredited as immature, selfish, or undeveloped.

I can understand this critique, and I am open to the thought that my ideas are, in fact, not fully developed or immature.  And, based out of a desire to be considered "qualified" to engage around the table of ideas in the Assemblies of God, I feel a strong desire to pursue an academic degree that would perhaps give me a seat at that table.  Either that, or I want to study out the issues at hand until I can arrive at a conclusion that appeases those above me and doesn't make me weep with the logical inconsistency of it all.

But then, this weekend, I got the opportunity to record, mix, and master a live concert for my friends Hannah Moreno and John Leckenby.  John's songs, in particular, stirred me.  His music is inspired and fresh.  It's raw and artistic.  And it demands an appropriate treatment from a thoughtful engineer to really make it come off well.  Having finished mixing his stuff down at 4AM on Sunday morning, I felt like I had been a part of something important.  Something with mystically more impact than any banter over statements of faith or communion wine.

And here's the other thing.  In the particular denomination that I grew up in, academic degrees don't carry a lot of weight.  There is a lot of room for charisma and pork-barrel preaching (I made that up) to carry the day.  A guy who has a piece of paper that proves that he can use his head okay is often less respected than a guy who reads two books a year but sweats profusely when he preaches.  So, do I really, REALLY want a seat at that table anyways?

All this to say, I haven't got it figured out.  And if you had the patience to read this whole thing, then perhaps you have the patience to help me along in this decision, too.  I'd love to hear from ya.

Cheers,

Utzy

PS - I attempted in this blog to lay out my thoughts and sentiments in as genuine a fashion as I could without intending to offend anyone.  If some of my more melancholy thoughts pitched a curveball your direction, then I do apologize.  Thanks for your understanding!