People, People Who Need People

It’s been 138 days since that day I was last employed. I never really thought that I would be out of work for this long. Four months of looking for work, finding leads, hoping, hoping, hearing “no”, and starting over has worn down my psyche to a dull node.

The typical response I receive from prospective employers (if I receive any at all) goes something like this:

“Thank you for your inquiry. We have received an overwhelming number of responses for this posting, and we intend to fill the position with the person whose education and experience most closely fulfill the requirements of the job. Good luck on your search, etc...”

Since I’m only 23 years old and a music graduate, you can imagine that they’re not just handing out jobs to people like me. I don’t know if you heard, but it’s pretty rough out there.

So I’ve been doing an unpaid internship with an internet startup to try to increase the “experience” portion of my résumé. I’ve still been looking for work, but the last three weeks has offered me the added sense of purpose that an extra 30-ish hours of work per week can afford the male ego. I am working from home, i.e., my bedroom, and it is interesting enough work.

But the last two days have introduced a threat that I was not ready to tackle: I’m going insane.

As an introvert, I am not usually afraid of being alone. In fact, to a certain extent, I thrive on the little windows of time I get to process the social information of my day. When I don’t get those windows, I get cranky and emotional–it’s not pretty. I have spent the last few years, actually, learning how to regulate myself properly to avoid those situations. I’d gotten pretty good.

Working from my room, however, I have experienced a level of solitude and isolation that I didn’t know was possible. Today, I came home after grabbing breakfast at Starbucks and kind of freaked out in the house. I was drumming all over the walls in my apartment whilst jumping around and grunting at sporadic intervals. It felt really animal and really visceral and really foreign and kind of comical. This continued for about 20 minutes until I had extinguished my energy and regained some equilibrium.

I believe in people and I love people and I am terrible with crowds but I don’t mind small groups and I need one-on-one interaction. To be deprived of involvement in the lives of people has brought me to a new ledge from which to peer into the chasm of insanity to which I seem to make a regular return.

All that to say...I love all of you who might read this. I may be hard to approach and a little bit tough to figure out, but I really do like you and I really do think you’re amazing. Y’all are not just my favorite part of life; as demonstrated by the events of today, y’all are the link to my sanity, too. :)