We're All Screwed...

There's something fundamentally wrong with the world in which we live. I know, you're wondering where I've been all your life: a man with such profound insight... :) It bugs the crap out of me sometimes, and it has been getting more and more agitated as time goes on, and now I think I know what it is. It's me.

We've been told all our lives that we need to be this and do that and think this and feel this way and so on and so forth ad nauseum. There's no end to that which we're "supposed" to be. At first, I just tried to do it. Having no reason to distrust those telling me this, I thought it best to go for it and see what happened. That served me well for quite a few years, until I realized I wasn't living up to the standard. No matter how hard I tried, I could not be both productive, and caring, and good, and innocent, and happy, and creative, etc. all at once. I was screwed.

This led me into a search for what was most important: if I could prioritize what I had to do, then I could do just the important stuff and let the little things slide. But a careful reading of the expectations, i.e., the Bible, reminded me that there was no prioritization, and that not doing the smallest little thing in my estimation as bad as doing the biggest big thing. I was screwed.

So, I then began wondering about whether or not the being who placed these expectations upon us was even real, because surely if he was both infinitely good and infinitely wise, he would've realized that I just can't do all this stuff. But, my grasp on that which was real, and my perceptions of my experience up until this point refused to let me believe that God didn't exist. It just didn't add up. Screwed again.

Left with nothing but an overwhelming feeling of having disappointed myself and the being that created me, my spirit reminded me of a truth that I hadn't ever known the meaning of until now. That truth is called Grace. It was like the square peg that didn't look like it should fit in the round hole that I'd created, and yet it did.

However, I found that I was going to have to be stretched to make this thing work. A sermon by Wes Davis reminded me of the ridiculous idea of "asking Jesus into one's heart." When we are saved, we are caught up in the life that Christ gives, and either we give it all up in the process, or we aren't being caught up.

This is the life, now, that I lead. A life that's constantly under construction; constantly being changed; constantly being solidified. Sometimes it feels like I'm on an operating table that's in a van driving through rocky terrain. But I know that I will eventually make it out of here with something eternal: something that finally satisfies all of the questions and desires that leave me with that queer feeling of something being wrong with life. Until then, I'm screwed.